Dear Sambag: Gay Best Friend In Love With Me

Dear Sambag,

I’m 100% straight and have no interest in your website. Got here while searching about my problem and I thought you (or your readers) could help me out.

I am 27 year old single male. My best friend and I have been friends for almost 20 years. Two weekends ago, I saw him crying for the first time. I knew something was up with him, but waited for me to talk to me, because he is the type of person who wants to be left alone and will approach you in his time. I guess that weekend was that time. He said that he values our friendship so much that thinking about tiny possibility of ending it makes him so sick to the point that “he is so scared”. He then told me that he is a gay and that I am only one in the world who knows. I mean I was totally shocked, because I thought “Know” him. This came from nowhere. I didn’t say anything, He said that he really doesn’t want to end our friendship, but if he kept his “secret” any longer, he was going to die. I had to say something, I knew he was waiting for me to say something, but I truly didn’t know what to say. He started to sob and told me that he doesn’t want to lose me, but he doesn’t want to die, suicidal. I vividly remember the conversation, but the thing that just stuck in my head is not him being a gay, but the pain I saw in him. I felt so bad for not saying anything to him. I just listened to his words and cries…. then he left and I let him.

Soon after he left I snapped out of the “shock” and really was worried about him especially what he said about him being suicidal. I went to his place, surprisingly his apartment door was unlocked. My buddy was laying on the hard floor all crawled up. I got him up, sat him on the couch, and took a deep sigh and told him that we are cool. NOTHING changes between us. We went through so much together. We are okay. He looked at me and told me that he loves me. It sounded like a confession, but wasn’t sure. So, I told him I love you too, you are my best friend. He shook his head and got close to me, looked into my eyes and said that he LOVES me. I knew what he wanted to hear, a clear response, but I just couldn’t give it to him. I told him let me think about it. He said that he felt like “suicidal” not because of fear of coming out, but fear of losing me, fear me refusing him, pushing him away.

I came home and texted him begging him to give time to digest all this. After about an hour later I received a text from him telling me he won’t talk to me anymore at all because he “loves me”, pretty much ending the friendship. I hate the fact of not talking to him at all anymore because I feel guilty for him being so hurt but what can I do????? I know he is thinking about himself and his feelings but…this hurts me a lot too. I am devastated. He’s like a brother to me. I had/have severe child trauma and he knows that. And, I was able to pull it through because of him. I owe him. I OWE HIM… I really don’t want to lose him. Can our friendship be saved? What should I do?

Phil from France

Thanks for writing, Phil. I’ll let our readers weigh in. Please share your advice and experiences in the Comments below.