Dear Sambag: I Was Just an Experiment For a Straight Guy
During the Winter of my senior year I started the high school party scene. At these parties, I started to drink with this straight guy everybody knew. Known him for a couple years only to be acquaintances in school. (He graduated a year before I did.) Your average cocky jock who plays all the sports and dated girls.
One night at a party, he asked if I was gay and in front of people (which was utterly embarrassing). Afraid of rejection, I said “no” playing it off. I feel that I act straight so I didn’t think I would be asked that horrid question. I take it that keeping clean and well groomed possibly gave it off. I don’t know, but I wasn’t really quite “out” at the time. Anyway, he kept giving me these deep glances during the party like I was a piece of meat. But when I catch him looking, he would quickly look away. Never thought anything of it and feeling annoyed and outcasted from the question, I brushed it all off.
Another night later, having one to many drinks for each of us, we both felt highly intoxicated like everyone else around us. At that point, the night was over and so was the party. Everyone was either passing out or leaving. Coincidentally, it was just him and I in the living room by ourselves which gave him the opportunity to personally say he was sorry, about “the question” from the previous party. Easily, I forgave him without hesitation. After the awkward moment from the apology, he started to talk about some random things which I found amusing. I didn’t realize how interested I became in his stories after talking for nearly a couple hours. I started to find him cute in a friendly-odd way. After talking till 3 in the morning, he talked his way to sleep and passed out next to me on the couch.
It was late in the night and I felt the need to get home. He woke up as soon as he heard me opening the creaking door to leave. He sat there with a confused look on his face staring at me for a few seconds as if I wasn’t suppose to leave. Then he immediately asked for me to wait up for him because he wanted to leave too. He was unable to drive his car, so we decided to walk home since we didn’t live too far. It was cold and lightly snowing. The darkness was slightly covered by a vibrant dark violet color caused by the snow reflecting from the street lights. As we were walking, he slurred that I was “attractive” right out of the blue. His hands were in his pocket and I could see his face turning red as if he didn’t mean to say that out loud. I didn’t say anything because I was a little scared to say the wrong thing back. Maybe he was testing me. I kept quiet and we just kept walking. But I had a smile on my face. While walking, I stumbled over to him tripping from the mounds of snow while still feeling a little drunk. He grabbed my arm to pull me close to his side and not a second later, he held onto my hand. My hand wasn’t gripped back but awkwardly loose. Mentally startled, I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to hold my balance for me but at the moment right there I felt this strange bolt of feeling for him.
My nerves were tingling. Running through my mind at that exact point, I never thought anything of him till that moment. Never really paid any attention to him. Never paid any attention to his looks. Never really gave the time to figure him out. I thought he was cute in high school but just being a quick judgment. Never thought he would hold another guys hand… Then suddenly I felt the need to give my attention to him and see what he’s like as a person. I became curious about his action.
Back to the walking scene, I didn’t know how to react. I literally felt the snow melting off from my cheeks because he had me heated and I kind of liked it. I got home and just started thinking to myself if what he did was intentional? I didn’t want to question that moment because oddly, I enjoyed it.
Another night later at same house. There he was, with his football build figure in a grey v-neck that showed his pecs with his nice arms taking those shots with the rest of the guys. Though I felt like he didn’t acknowledged me, I thought to myself that maybe he doesn’t remember holding my hand that night because we had been drinking or he didn’t want to say anything because he was embarrassed. Feeling unnoticed, I heavily drank that night to forget everything around me. The party began to slow down and it felt like dejavu. Everyone was leaving and once again it was just us two in the living room. I don’t remember what happened, but I found myself waking up with my head on his lap from a stroke of his hands through my hair. I gazed up to see his face but he looked to be sleeping. He woke up the same time I did so I figured he was pretending to sleep.
As I was getting up, he said he was waiting for me to wake up so we can walk home together. Just those small words triggered the fact that made me wonder about him. Is he attracted to me in some weird way? Or is he trying to get an answer out of me about my sexuality? What straight guy waits for another guy to wake up from his lap? I guess I didn’t care cause I felt that maybe we have chemistry of some sort. I was kinda exhilarated to walk home with him and that fact that I had someone to walk home with since it was about 3 in the morning in the dark night. As he was talking with a slurr the entire time, I was quiet till halfway. During that halfway home I pretended to stumble hoping that he would hold me close to him again just like the other night. Nothing. Five minutes later, still nothing. I felt the urge to just touch him so badly. I couldn’t help myself, so I grabbed his hand and he held back really quick in a tight grip like he didn’t want to let me go. By then, my heart is pounding with a rush of excitement but I wasn’t showing it physically. Was this really happening?
As we cut through back yards to get home quicker, he pulled me into a random firewood shed with the moon glowing its light inside from the cracks. (In this small town, most backyards don’t have fences but huge open fields with alot of trees.) He looked me in the eyes for a good 5 seconds while a couple inches from my face. I didn’t know what to do. Both of us feeling awkward, he reached in to kiss me for a second. I felt blown away. I tasted the vodka on his lips from the mini bottle he chugged before pulling me in there, which I didn’t care, but for that second, I was in a love shock. Then he quickly bolted to leave as I was following right behind. Thought to myself, “How could he kiss me when he’s not what it seems?”
It was a quiet walk back home. Eventually, we got to my house and I invited him to stay the night since the snow was falling heavily. Luckily my parents were on a business trip. He slept on the couch and I slept in my room awake and just thinking the night away about him. Over analyzing his actions and sexuality. Curious to find out where this could all lead. I felt like it could be more but I knew I had to keep a distance and not pull any moves knowing he’s straight. By morning he was gone and I havn’t seen him since.
Weeks had passed into Spring and the flowers had started blooming like my urge fighting to stay away from him. I missed the attention that he gave me. Feeling a rush inside, I had to throw a get together (which somehow turned into a party) at my house just see him. I had a friend invite him because I was still keeping a distant. Surprisingly he came. After a few hours he had one to many shots and began throwing winks at me when no one was looking, glancing my way from time to time like I was only in his view. At the end of it all everyone had left and there was a mess which he was the only one who stayed to help me clean. After cleaning he decided to stay with me to hang out in my room. We were joking, laughing, talking about his past girlfriends, playing video games and of course drinking because I felt it was required to be around him. But every time I look over, his eyes never left mine as if we were in the shed that one night. Never once was any of the “incidents” brought up. After talking till 5 in the morning, I decided it was time to go to bed and told him he could stay the night if he needed to because he still had been drinking. I suggested the couch downstairs or a spot in my room somewhere. A few seconds later and he hadn’t responded, but I wasnt going to wait for an answer since I was becoming drowsy. I went to bed and he lightly followed behind and laid next to me, put his arms around my waist and had his head on my neck where I could feel his lips pressed on my shoulders. Easily, he fell asleep. My drowsiness had completely vanished and I couldn’t fall asleep anymore because this football playing stud who I believe to be straight, has is arms wrapped around me. Comfortably. His body was warm. So many thoughts ran through my head the entire time. I guess I didn’t care though. I was at the stage where I didn’t care to question anymore and I just wanted him. Because I believed I found the answers. I didn’t want to wake up from this surreal dream. At last, I fell asleep to his light breathing which sounded musical to me.
A glimmer of light after the spring showers had woke me up shining through my window. At that very moment I found myself to haved kissed his lips just in the heat the of moment. Not even aware of knowing I was actually doing it. Its like a habit that couples would do to each other when they wake up even though we are no where near of being a couple. His lips were soft and full. I could taste the alcohol from before, but I didn’t care. During that small kiss, he smiled with his eyes still closed as I was hoping he wouldn’t wake up from that. I know he felt it. I laid there awake, my head on his chest for another hour still questioning the doubt of this all. I just wanted to lay in his arms and smell his sweet cologne that lingered all over my bed. But it had to be over sometime soon. I quickly got up and just got ready for the day, pretending that none of this happened so nothing would be awkward when he wakes up. Eventually, he woke up and left.
Our relationship progressed each time we would meet together even though drinking became essentially vital to us. I felt like we became best friends. We would have our days of jokes and laughter, just having fun. Always something new and exciting. Other days, the alcohol would play with his emotions and make him go deep into stories about how all girlfriends he had (only two) cheated on him which left scars emotionally. His emotions had also built up when he talked about his connection with his real dad and how he wishes there could’ve been a relationship between them. I could see why he plays off as such a meathead with his tough attitude as everyone sees him to be. He’s hiding his weakness underneath his jocky looks and tough attitude, which i’ve managed to reach. Deep down he’s loving and caring and only wants the same thing in return. I feel he was looking for someone to talk with and open up to. I felt that I could give that to him. Our similarities matched well and I just felt closer to him than I ever did with anybody else.
One night he put his head on my lap while throwing a tennis ball in the air and catching it while I sat there and began to run my fingers through his buzzed cut hair. I was surprised he laid his head on my lap. I guess he felt comfortable enough but he was drunk so maybe he didn’t notice he had done it. As he threw the tennis ball in the air, he failed to catch it which hit his eye and left a small bruise. I quickly got up to get ice for him to reduce the pain. I held it up to his eye as they never left my eyes. He laid back down in my lap as I continued to hold it for him. He slowly put his hand over mine to remove the ice while looking up at me. His eyes glistened like hes never been cared for. I couldn’t help but give in and show my affection without words. But do I dare? I slowly caressed my hands over his cheeks to his jawline and leaned in to kiss his lips. Surprisingly he kissed back. Our eyes closed for a couple seconds that felt forever, I couldn’t believe what I’ve just done. The audacity of me to act on such a bold move knowing it that it could have easily turned drastically wrong turned impeccably perfect. I was under his spell. I was wishing this could lead to something else more passionate later on until the last get together we had.
It was a typical drinking night, but my late graduation party. My parents had gone out for the weekend so I could have my party. It was just us two alone on the back porch sitting on the steps watching our friends leave the scene while the sun was setting. I was in the midst of talking, ready to ask what our true feelings were. Ready to admit that I was in love with him hoping that he would say he is in love with me too. Suddenly, he pulled himself up to me and kissed me passionnantly in the warm Summer breeze in the sun kissed light. Everything felt so right. I wasn’t consumed by alcohol but rather intoxicated by his sweet apple lips that were pressed against mine. I felt like I was in heaven. Every moment that fell into place on its own lead to something more affectionate for us. I felt in love. He grabbed my hand as we ran up to my room. It was starting to get hot and heavy which has never happened before until we were both down to nothing. The light was dim and I could see his muscles on top of me, the sweat dripping from his face down to his chest and onto me. His breath on my face, kissing my neck and shoulders. His arms under my back and my arms around his neck slowly running my hands down to his back feeling his soft skin over his muscles. I took a deep breath and that’s when we finally made love. The feeling was ecstacy. I could see the passion in his milky brown eyes like we were meant for each other as I try to lock onto it hoping I never miss any of his expression. But the feeling was unimaginable my eyes couldn’t help but close. I had never imagined ever going this far. I felt that the time was right for him and I and that we could build a relationship even further even if it has to be discreet forever. I didn’t want anyone but him. All this time, I felt that we never needed the alcohol to begin with to bond in the first place. I was at the peak of bliss.
But suddenly he got off of me quickly after he was done…
Snapped himself in reality and told himself that he isn’t gay while a rage was building up inside his eyes telling me with an agressive tone that he couldn’t believe I would do such a cruel thing to him. Told me I was just a f.aggot and I took advantage of him while he was drunk. Blamed me for getting close to him when he’s a straight guy and using him to feel something cheap. Quickly putting his clothes on, he also mentioned that those past incidents meant nothing and it was all me just being gay. Yelling at me in a vociferous way, asking what our friendship meant and that I fooled him. I was speechless to the fact that he was right. I was scared, not becuase he would get physically agressive (which I know he wouldnt) but because I was afraid of losing him. My heart was breaking. I held everything back, because if I were to talk, it would have just been tears. I was falling hurt, worse than pain. I wanted to tell him how I felt and how he doesn’t have to hide while at the same time I was frustrated because he blamed me when he also acted upon all our actions but none of that mattered at that point. I lost him. Those whole 7 months of building an unlikely relationship of something I would never have imagined, that I thought could work went straight down the drain. And I actually blamed myself for lingering along with it for this long when I knew in my conscious that I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. I didn’t mean to. But I confess that I couldn’t help it. I loved the attention he gave me… He left with a door slam as I layed there only with the sheets to comfort me while feeling contempt and confused staring at the ceiling with my face soaked in tears wondering…
I never once made the first moves. I never once said anything affectionately or to gesture his sexuality. I wasn’t the one to get close until he started it all. He was the one who held my hand, who went in for a kiss, who put his arms around me and was the first to engage in a passionate activity. He could’ve been curious or maybe the alcohol was doing all the talking this whole time, but I guess I was the apparent abuser from his eyes and I’ll admit, I took part and followed with. In my perspectives I felt hurt and of course experimented on from his bi-curious ways, but more truely saw that he actually built this foundation with me and that he was willing to secretly open up to me and only me. But how could I be so sure he is straight when we became so close? At this point, all I wanted was to believe that deep down inside, he did have those feelings for me like I truely did for him. I was posititve he wanted all the same things I wanted. But I could see he became scared at the end of it all. Scared of rejection from friends and family. Scared of love itself. Scared of his true feelings. Scared to believe that he knew exactly what he was doing but felt there would be an ultimate price at the end. He got what he wanted which was the love and care from me. Could’ve been from anyone.
I’ve always been attracted to straight men for many reasons and I thought this unimaginable dream of mine was coming alive, but once you get that slap in the face back into reality you realize that its a conundrum to even think about being with a straight man when they are attracted to women. I fooled myself. I lied to him and especially myself. A really funny thing is, I never once mention my sexuality to him. Everything just unraveled on its own the right way, but yet the wrong time.
I saw him for the first time in a long time since that night at a Fall bon fire. The sky was a midnight blue twilight. I can see the fire glisten on his entire face causing a despair look. No hello, just give a quick glance with a distressed expression while with a rebound girl in front of me. Either to show me that he quickly moved on and basically stating out to me that he’s straight or wants to hide himself away from me and everyone else we knew because hes scared. But I would brush it off or act like nothing has ever happened between us when clearly allot has happened in just those 7 months. That night I just had the need to hear his voice talking to me, giving his attention and especially looking at me with his eyes that never use to want to look away. No acknowledgement. Nothing. No more late nights. And I already miss it all. The way he use to stare at me as if he never saw anyone else was long gone. All I could do was to pretend like nothing happend. Pretending to talk and laugh with others while he’s glancing to see the real despair in my eyes behind all the fire’s smoke. Guess this was it, our Autumn goodbye. By then my heart had completely been shattered.
Months later he wrote to me on facebook saying “I’m sorry…” I never replied anything back that would make him feel at ease with me, knowing I was just an experiment to him. Sorry via internet message will not be able to mend such wounds. As much as I die inside just to rekindle what we had, I just wanted to forget everything that happend. Because he broke my heart into pieces that could never be correctly put back together. Trying my hardest in my will to forget is one the hardest things I have ever tried. I couldn’t do it. I still can’t. Years pass by and I’ve recieved a couple message since then. I just can’t to reply back. It just doesnt feel right in my intentions. If he really wanted to heal what we had, he would come to me physically and not write sordid messages. I still have the strongest feelings for him but I know it will never work. I sometimes think that maybe he still pines for me with curiosity. He doesn’t have a facebook anymore and I heard he’s got a girlfriend.
Wishful thinking never works for me. But I hold no regrets and wish I could relive those moments again. But maybe, once I can believe he’s ready to admit to me his true feelings in person, I won’t hesitate to bring back what we had. Until I know for sure, I’ll still be picking up the pieces that he broke.
Sorry for the long story, but the point is one person can change your whole perspective in life and you just don’t know it. Explore and find out what you want. Don’t wait for it until its too late.
Thanks for sharing your wonderful story Brad because it is very important for gay and bisexual people to read this before they get hurt by a confused straight person. Your story was tragic and so real. I think it takes time to realize what you truly NEED, not just want. As real as the connection was and as confused as that guy was, it was REAL and valid and you did NOTHING wrong. You were yourself being brave. You did good, man. Love will come again but you will be wiser. Hugs from Sam.